I've been thinking...

Had a good day yesterday but did not make it to the little gym at lunch time. Dave’s shoulder has been bothering him (torn rotator cuff) so we decided to give it a rest. Food was fine. I had an Apple Pecan Chicken Salad from Wendy’s for dinner WITHOUT bleu cheese. I had one the other day but they neglected to remove the bleu cheese so I got it for FREE. Can’t beat a free dinner right? Plus they are super tasty and filling. I failed after dinner though. I had a slice of Cranberry Orange bread for dessert and it put me over my daily allotment by 3%.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (I know – dangerous!) and working through a lot of emotional stuff that has kept me overweight all these years. In doing this, I have come to a decision. I don’t think I want to pursue a relationship with Bruce, my biological father. It has been weighing heavy on me the last month or so, since I met him really. I am glad I met him and got some closure on some lifetime questions and that was great but in the grand scheme of things I think it will be counterproductive.

At first, I thought I could help him. I still think he needs someone to advocate for him but I don’t think it is me. I have written him twice asking him to allow the staff there to give me information so I can help him but he has not authorized them to do so. I asked him to get a phone so we (bio-siblings) could communicate with him. He was resistant to that too saying that $8 per month was too expensive. Not sure if it happened or not but I don’t have a phone number for him (other then the facility number) Maybe I am being impatient as it has only been a month or so but I have other things that I really need to focus my attention and energy on like my health/weight, my Mom, Dave, my siblings and my friends.

I had a wonderful father who loved me unconditionally. He was my biggest cheerleader and I was so blessed to have been adopted by him and my mother. Of course, no life is perfect and we had our ups and downs especially when I was a teen but all in all I have had it pretty darn easy. My father passed away in 1999 (I was 32) and I miss him dearly, even now. The pain does get easier with time but it never goes away, that is for sure, especially during the holidays.

It has been my M.O. in the past to take on “others” problems instead of focusing on my own issues. I would get kudos for helping others but it did nothing for my health and well-being which I kept ignoring. Finally the alarms went off in my head telling me that I could no longer ignore my own issues and I was unhappy and 315 lbs. I had to become selfish and start saying “NO” when others asked me for help. I didn’t like it. It is the eternal people pleaser in me but I HAD to do it or else.

I am glad that I came to this conclusion before I entrenched myself in helping Bruce. I may keep in contact with him periodically and send Christmas cards and the like but it just doesn’t factor into my life at this point. Until next time…

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