Hanging In

Thanks for all your hugs and comments the last few days. I am back at work today after being off for a month. It was an anxiety ridden morning. I was on the verge of vomiting until I got here and I have no appetite whatsoever. I do an insulin shot in the morning so I have to eat even when I would rather not. I was able to choke down some string cheese and a bite of a Nutrigrain bar. I was not able to drink coffee either which is very unusual for me. I had tea because otherwise I would have a skull crushing headache by noon.

It was an emotionally up and down weekend. I know in my heart I made the right decision in the long run but somehow I did not prepare myself for the aftermath. I did a lot of cleaning and purging and “Katiefied” my apt. I threw out rugs and other misc. items and actually did a little holiday decorating. Not that I am feeling terribly festive but I thought it might help my mood.

My mom is having a hard time too. She went to the neurologist and he attributed her memory issues to depression. I think it is finally sinking in that it was not the stroke and it is the depression. What chaps my hide is that I knew this from the get and even told the admitting doctor back in September that I wanted to admit her for psych. Here we are 3 months later… She keeps saying “I don’t remember” because it is easier then for her to try to think. She used to do emails and answer the phone and now her caregiver is answering the phone and she has not been on email in a month.

My fear after all is said and done, that I will have to move back home. I was extremely unhappy when I was there before (2003) but I may need to do it for her or for financial reasons. The alternative is for her to move into a care facility and we sell the house which is heartbreaking to me too so it remains to be seen. The company charges $24/hr for her caregiver and it adds up quickly… it is great for the short term and we really like Patty but is uber expensive.

I got on the scale this morning and it was 252. I have been in the upper 250s over the last few weeks so it was nice to see a decent number. Now that I am basically healed, I can resume activities which will help get the scale moving in the right direction. Until next time…