Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Feeling Flawed

How goes it? I am hanging in there. I have been a funky head space for the last week or two. I know it is temporary but it is hard to shake it. I am trying to fake it but even that isn't working.

Some of it has to do with my mom situation. That is normal and expected given the circumstances. A lot of it has to do with my identity and who I am and where I came from. For some of the newer readers, I was adopted and located my biological family in 2010. I had this perception of who I was and where I came from and then I learned more about their (bio parents) lives and lifestyles and how I inherited some of their traits both good and bad. Maybe because I am in my mid-forties too that I am re-evaluating my life but it has left me shaken. Maybe I suppressed all those feelings and now they are coming out. While it is great I have been able to fill in the puzzle pieces of missing information it is painful to learn all the dirty secrets like their drug addictions and mental health. I know they do not define me. I am my own person and that they did have an influence on me through DNA but I have my own identity.

I am flawed as I am only human but I feel like a failure in many ways. I never got married. FAIL. I never had any children. FAIL. I am obese. FAIL. I know rationally that these things don't make me a failure but I can't seem to shake the FAIL feeling. I know I should focus on the positive too. I have accomplished things in my life like my BS and AA degrees. My ceramics/painting. My singing (once upon a time) but instead of focusing on the positives, I keep staring down the negatives. I know this too shall pass. I just thought getting it out of my head by posting it here would help. Until next time...

P.S. Did you enter the giveaway?



  2. Young Lady
    We need meditation for clarity and purpose. It's time we turn off our internal tapes and focus towards our positive introspects. We are defined by our actions, and our heart. Not by how we were bread. Unfortunately for you and me our drug of choice is and was food. Why? Because somewhere along the way we learned this was the acceptable manner in which to cope and process our feelings and we must now retrain ourselves. I can no longer blame my parents for my mistakes and faults because I have not lived with them over half my life.
    Katie I truely believe in you..You have reached out to me and encouraged me to come back. May not recognize the name but I'm here.
    Wishing you the best attitude, and meditation today because you are the best <3


  3. Awh, Katie my dear I am so sorry you are frustrated. It will pass, but I know the feeling right now sucks.
    I did get married, and I had kids early - and there are times I feel FAIL because I didn't do many things before those two things happend, that I didn't explore my youth.
    You are amazing, chin up girlie :)

  4. Stop thinking that now......if only it was so damn easy. Feelings do work themselves, if do the work. Just talking about it helps.

    Feel better.....I agree with what everyone else has said....

  5. Why on earth would not being married or having kids be a FAIL? You are an independent woman and I think that having the strength to do it all on your own is admirable. Plus, marriage does not define you. It's not the be-all and end-all, believe me. Same goes for kids. You have them, they grow up and become their own independent selves, regardless of what you want or think they should be. Neither marriage nor having children is sunshine and roses, believe me.

  6. Good grief girlfriend, ask some longtime married women if they feel particularly successful just because they are married. They will tell you NO! In fact lots of us wish were were single at one time or another. Same with having kids. Yes, they are a wonderful addition but it's definitely not the perfection that your mind is trying to trick you into thinking it is.

    All I can say is that each of us goes through times of feeling like a big failure and you have to just concentrate on all the reasons why you are NOT. You've listed quite a few up there.


  7. Hmmm... no fault for thinking of those things you want but have not yet had. Notice the word YET. Just because you have not had something up until now, does not mean you cannot have it now. You have decide you are going to GO GET IT, and then do just that.

    I know that sounds like a line out of a motivational speakers script; probably is. Regardless of the simplicity or obvious the essence of that thought, it is what you do with your own thoughts that will define you.

    Cherish the past good or bad, but do not live in it.... Think about what you want today & tomorrow and put your energy into getting it.

  8. Hugs!!! I see you as a success, and am glad I "know" you through our blogs!!!


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