Thursday, July 7, 2011

Nitty Gritty

* Please note that this post is ranty. There is adult content as well*

I have been avoiding writing this post for a long time but after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to put this out there. Hopefully, there won’t be too much backlash from it. Part of my resistance was the fact that I have almost 493 followers (yikes!) and approximately 250 readers per day. When I initially started my blog, I did not know what a wonderful community was out there and I am so humbled that you all read my little ditties but there is a part of me that is scared to reveal some inner truths. There are only two people that I know IRL that read my blog so I am hoping it does not backfire. Does that make any sense?? You guys know A LOT more then most people do about me but I have resisted getting too deep about some of my personal relationships. They have definitely affected my WL journey though.

My relationship with Dave is strained at best. We are NOT married by the way. I love him dearly but it is just not enough for me anymore. We have been together for 5 and half years now and we are getting nowhere fast. One of the main issues, which I imagine affects a lot of other relationships, is money. I am the one who works full time. I have been at my job for almost 7 years. The entire time we have been together he has not worked full-time. He does umpire which I admire and love that he has been doing it for so long but it does not pay the bills. He supplements by doing some market research jobs, which I hooked him up with. I put together his resume so he could look for work too but he hasn’t. Do you see a trend here? Just call me Katie the Enabler.

I would like to get married someday. I would like a ring. I don't think it is greedy of me to want these things. If it doesn't happen that will be okay but a gal can dream right? If I invest time and energy into a relationship for over 5 years and I am no closer then I was to start with then how futile is that?

Dave is an Alcoholic. He is in recovery most of the time but has been drinking intermittently but not around me. I can tell the difference in his behavior though. Back in 2009, he was court ordered to enroll in a program and he went through Salvation Army which meant he lived there for 6 months. The agreement when he got out was that he was to commit to his recovery and to get a job so we could split expenses. It has been a year and a half and he still hasn’t done anything. At that time, I was a blond hair away from severing ties with him but I didn’t…hmmmm

My other major bone of contention is our intimacy. For whatever reason, he does not initiate any “activity” and we have only been intimate ONE TIME this year. I have run this one over and over and over in my head. I am 45 years old and still like to be “active” and he is 60 so maybe his idea of “active” and mine are different. I have had other men express their desire to be “active” with me so I guess I am still desirable. I must say though that this has really screwed with my head B-I-G T-I-M-E.

The other deal breaker is his lack of patience and his desire to flee when things get tough. I have stood by him through thick and thin. I helped him bury his mother; I went to classes and supported him when he was in the program. He had no where to go when his family home was sold and he came to live with me but here we are and things have not changed. He did help me intern my bio father but it was nothing by comparison.

Now, I am realistic and know that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with. I have flaws and admit to them wholeheartedly. I am doing my best to become the woman I was intended to be. Loving myself and coming to terms with the premise that I do DESERVE happiness and have WORTH are part of that. I know there is a lot of room for improvement but I am also proud of what I have accomplished and have plans to do a WHOLE LOT MORE!

Some smaller yet still aggravating facts are that I am the handy person. I am the finance person; I am the computer person etc. in our relationship. He does the housecleaning (vacuuming and dusting) and the laundry. He also does most of the dishes and some of the cooking. While this is wonderful to have someone helping me, it is not the end of the world if I had to do it myself. Let me just say that if I was the one that was home part/most of the day, the house would be cleaner.

I have built up a lot of resentment and that does not help. It sucks when I am getting ready and leaving in the morning and he is talking about his plans for the day which includes the tasks noted above. I told him I would be more then happy to switch places but in all honesty, that wouldn’t work for me. I couldn’t just sit home half the time and do nothing. I would work part-time or volunteer or something. I guess that is what sets us apart and why my resentment continues to grow.

Breaking things off with him is not going to be a walk in the park. When you cohabitate without being married it is like being married. I would say that 90% of the items in our apartment are mine. We did buy a few things together but he has told me in prior discussions/fights that it is all mine. I have been a stable beacon in his life and his family and friends have gotten used to me being around but for whatever reason, I feel like there is a disconnect, like maybe they think we are temporary or something. This is the longest relationship I have ever been and I have never lived with someone this long before so it is going to be interesting to see how it all unfolds. Until next time...


  1. Oh know what to do. Just do it. There are other fish in the sea. I have been alone for 10+. It has been the best time of my life. REALLY. It's scary but you can do it. Just try separating for a while. Really separating. You can do hard things.

    If you read Roxie's blog she did it nice and SLOW. She kind of prepared herself I think. But she did STOP living with him. You need that space away from him.

    It does sound like you are at the breaking point. And remember you are not doing him any favors by letting him sit idle. In fact you are doing him a great diservice. Forcing someone to grow is not a bad thing. In fact it is the kindness thing you can do.

    Will be thinking about you today. Good luck with what ever you decide.

  2. It sounds to me like this relationship is very lopsided and doesn't give you the things you dream of. Let's face it. Time flies. You run out of time if you dawdle. (I sure dawdled with weight loss and other things that I regret now at 51.) And yes, you're enabling. And yes, he likes having a sugar mama to spoil him. Who wouldn't? (Well, ok, many wouldn't, but clearly he does.)

    If this doesn't work for you, doesn't give you what you want or need, then yes....go for your dream relationship. It's worth searching for. I know. I have my dream man, and if I had waited until I was 40 or 50 to be with him, I'd smack myself silly.

    The man who'll love you, be "active with you, work with you, dream with won't find him staying in your rut. So, I cheer you on with your evolving decision to live the way you want.

  3. Katie - I ditto what F. McButter Pants says. I've gone through 2 marriages (I'm not so good at picking out men! lol). I have been single for 20 years and am so darned happy you wouldn't believe it. When you get to the point where it sounds like you are, its time to make the decision and move forward. Life is too short! Sending you positive thoughts, strength and a hug.

  4. I think you already know what to do. I hope writing this out helps you move on a decision.

  5. I am sure that Dave has amazing qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. So I won't trash talk on someone I don't know. However, it does sound like you've been settling. And trust me when I say... a woman as amazing as you SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO SETTLE. There is a spicier, sweeter, sexier, more awesome love out there for you. And he will be fine. He will find a woman on a more similar wavelength to him who will enable him just as well ;-)

    I know that all of this is easier said than done. But.. start with a talk. Write all these things down in a more digestible way and present them to him. See if he's willing to work on who he is and who you are together.
    Maybe he feels as stuck as you do. Maybe this could be the start of your out.
    Or maybe he could surprise you and try to meet more of your needs.

    Good luck... you deserve happiness!!!

  6. Please do not let guilt get in the way of your dreams. If Dave is no longer the right man for you, you must find the strength to leave the relationship behind. Do not stay because you think he needs you or won't make it on his own. He will stumble. He will fall. But he is old enough to pick up his own pieces.

    Take care of you and hang in there.

  7. Katie I am so sorry to hear of your extended unhappiness. These decisions can be so hard and heartbreaking. Regardless of your choice I hope you are able to find peace and happiness. You surely deserve them.

  8. Oh, Katie, I must admit that I think about your relationship with Dave quite often when I read your posts. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because women oftentimes can't reach their potential when they're stuck in suck ass relationships. Honestly speaking, you should kick him to the curb if you're not happy. It's that simple. You both are wasting time being in a relationship that is unhealthy. If he's not bringing out the best in you, and vice versa, then it's time to let it go. I know how hard it is for so many women to do this, but take this advice from a woman who will never settle for less than I deserve! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be the best "Katie" you can be! You will NEVER accomplish your goals in life if you stay in an unhealthy relationship. I'm a firm believer of that.

  9. I lived with at that time a boyfriend who I wanted to marry badly. Unfortunately, he had some issues and we broke it off. It was the best thing because I probably would be a divorced 37 year old instead of a single 37 year old.

  10. I just want you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

  11. It's clear to me you know what to do from what you've written.

    I can't even imagine how hard it is for you with how much you love him and how long you've been together. Hoping you're strong enough to do what's right for you. Love, Alexia

  12. Change it hard, Katie. But would you want to go another five years like this?

  13. Sounds like your head is in the right place.

    Love and prayers

  14. Katie,
    Sending you my love and prayers. Have you thought about couples counseling? You said he's an alcoholic have you gone to meetings for Al-Non? Or Have you read about co-dependency? I ask only because this last year I learned I was co-dependent and enabled my daughter and family members to treat me as the way you mentioned your friends treats you at times.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you're on the right track.


  15. You are an amazing, dynamic and strong woman. I hope you have some peace with whatever decision you make. You deserve nothing but the best and we all want to see you happy.

  16. Katie, what an honest post, you do really deserve the best, sounds like you know what you need to do, it is very hard to face change sometimes until you work your way through it. Sending you many wishes for happiness and all you deserve. hugs.

  17. The immediate red flag is the word "alcoholic". Katie, you are intelligent and strong. You two are not legally bound together, nor is your relationship consecrated by a religious ceremony. You are not his mother - you are not his wife. Other that your self imposed sponsorship, you are not responsible in any way shape or form for his life and well-being. It sounds to me that you already know what needs to be done.

    Many prayers coming your way, for grace, strength and healing!

  18. I had no idea you were dealing with all of this. But it really does sound like your head is in the right place. Let me say that the man for you is out there and he will come along. Please don't be afraid to wait for him. Don't settle.

  19. Very brave and honest post, Katie. You have amazing comments here that I can't add much to, other than to echo that it's clear you know what to do. Hopefully the writing it out will help clarify your thoughts AND emotions. Take care of yourself. An alcoholic who drinks on occasion is NOT in recovery. Save yourself.

  20. I'm so sorry, Katie.

    This was sad to read. It's been apparent for some time that your relationship with Dave hasn't been okay, and the details certainly prove that impression.

    Here's the problem: You are loyal and responsible and caring--and Dave is taking advantage of that. He is acting liek a 20 year old who's still living in his parent's homve--he's got himself a good thing.

    It is in his best interest to pitch the baby bird out of the nest. With deadlines--dates--expected action. Better to feel a little guilty and sad now, then for it to happen 10 years from now, and you find yourself living with regrets of what could have been if you had only stood your ground this time.

    Obviously, you can manage financially without him. My guess is that you'll more than manage emotionally and socially without him, too.



  21. Katie, I can only echo what others have said. I'm sure Dave has some good qualities, but a 60-year-old man with no career, no've taken care of this guy long enough. I know it'll be hard to make the break (I've been there!) but you'll feel SO GOOD once it's over (been there too!). Good luck to you!


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