* Please note that this post is ranty. There is adult content as well*
I have been avoiding writing this post for a long time but after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to put this out there. Hopefully, there won’t be too much backlash from it. Part of my resistance was the fact that I have almost 493 followers (yikes!) and approximately 250 readers per day. When I initially started my blog, I did not know what a wonderful community was out there and I am so humbled that you all read my little ditties but there is a part of me that is scared to reveal some inner truths. There are only two people that I know IRL that read my blog so I am hoping it does not backfire. Does that make any sense?? You guys know A LOT more then most people do about me but I have resisted getting too deep about some of my personal relationships. They have definitely affected my WL journey though.
My relationship with Dave is strained at best. We are NOT married by the way. I love him dearly but it is just not enough for me anymore. We have been together for 5 and half years now and we are getting nowhere fast. One of the main issues, which I imagine affects a lot of other relationships, is money. I am the one who works full time. I have been at my job for almost 7 years. The entire time we have been together he has not worked full-time. He does umpire which I admire and love that he has been doing it for so long but it does not pay the bills. He supplements by doing some market research jobs, which I hooked him up with. I put together his resume so he could look for work too but he hasn’t. Do you see a trend here? Just call me Katie the Enabler.
I would like to get married someday. I would like a ring. I don't think it is greedy of me to want these things. If it doesn't happen that will be okay but a gal can dream right? If I invest time and energy into a relationship for over 5 years and I am no closer then I was to start with then how futile is that?
Dave is an Alcoholic. He is in recovery most of the time but has been drinking intermittently but not around me. I can tell the difference in his behavior though. Back in 2009, he was court ordered to enroll in a program and he went through Salvation Army which meant he lived there for 6 months. The agreement when he got out was that he was to commit to his recovery and to get a job so we could split expenses. It has been a year and a half and he still hasn’t done anything. At that time, I was a blond hair away from severing ties with him but I didn’t…hmmmm
My other major bone of contention is our intimacy. For whatever reason, he does not initiate any “activity” and we have only been intimate ONE TIME this year. I have run this one over and over and over in my head. I am 45 years old and still like to be “active” and he is 60 so maybe his idea of “active” and mine are different. I have had other men express their desire to be “active” with me so I guess I am still desirable. I must say though that this has really screwed with my head B-I-G T-I-M-E.
The other deal breaker is his lack of patience and his desire to flee when things get tough. I have stood by him through thick and thin. I helped him bury his mother; I went to classes and supported him when he was in the program. He had no where to go when his family home was sold and he came to live with me but here we are and things have not changed. He did help me intern my bio father but it was nothing by comparison.
Now, I am realistic and know that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with. I have flaws and admit to them wholeheartedly. I am doing my best to become the woman I was intended to be. Loving myself and coming to terms with the premise that I do DESERVE happiness and have WORTH are part of that. I know there is a lot of room for improvement but I am also proud of what I have accomplished and have plans to do a WHOLE LOT MORE!
Some smaller yet still aggravating facts are that I am the handy person. I am the finance person; I am the computer person etc. in our relationship. He does the housecleaning (vacuuming and dusting) and the laundry. He also does most of the dishes and some of the cooking. While this is wonderful to have someone helping me, it is not the end of the world if I had to do it myself. Let me just say that if I was the one that was home part/most of the day, the house would be cleaner.
I have built up a lot of resentment and that does not help. It sucks when I am getting ready and leaving in the morning and he is talking about his plans for the day which includes the tasks noted above. I told him I would be more then happy to switch places but in all honesty, that wouldn’t work for me. I couldn’t just sit home half the time and do nothing. I would work part-time or volunteer or something. I guess that is what sets us apart and why my resentment continues to grow.
Breaking things off with him is not going to be a walk in the park. When you cohabitate without being married it is like being married. I would say that 90% of the items in our apartment are mine. We did buy a few things together but he has told me in prior discussions/fights that it is all mine. I have been a stable beacon in his life and his family and friends have gotten used to me being around but for whatever reason, I feel like there is a disconnect, like maybe they think we are temporary or something. This is the longest relationship I have ever been and I have never lived with someone this long before so it is going to be interesting to see how it all unfolds. Until next time...