Thursday, May 20, 2010

Making Peace with the Past

First off, thank you SO MUCH for all the comments yesterday. I was brought to tears by some of them but in a good way. You make me feel loved and that I really AM doing this and I really WILL succeed!

Last night I met my mom after work (first time since our Mother's Day misunderstanding.) She wanted me to go with her to pick up a gift for my Aunt. We are having an 85th birthday party for her on Saturday. So, we went to Nordstrom Rack at Oakridge and we found a lovely silk scarf. Went to Fish Market for dinner and had Butterfish with cole slaw and cherry tomatoes. Our visit was pleasant but it was a little tense. I did not do any exercise at home. I am seeing Grace tonight for Personal Training.

Note: I put together some handy links on the sidebar for those of you who are fairly new or need a refresher. It's the low down on me and my journey.
I need to finally make peace with my past. Both in relation to my weight: letting myself be morbidly obese for so long and for my questionable behavior as a teen/young adult. When I first started blogging I did a post you can find here about Facing Future. The gist of it was that I can't go back and change all the bad behavior or the time I squandered not taking care of myself. It makes me so sad to think about it but I need to truly forgive myself and acknowledge that yes I did make bad decisions and made poor judgement calls but I do have the rest of my life (now) to pave new roads and create new behaviors. Carrying around guilt about the past has haunted me for far too long and I can't move forward unless I get past this. It has been hard to do but I finally feel like I am getting in a better mental space. I am learning to like me again and to focus on my positive traits and be cognizant of the areas where I could still use some work like not being so defensive or getting angry easily. I think this is another step completed in creating the new and improved Katie J. Who knew this weight loss thing was such a mental exercise?!?! I now know why my attempts did not work in the past.

I also need to come to terms with my body image. Since I have been heavy the majority of my life I don't think I have ever really had a decent body/self image. After all these years there are signs of my morbid obesity that will never go away like sagging skin or stretch marks. They are the scars of the abuse I have put my body through for the past almost 44 years. The trade off is so worth it though. I feel better in my own skin now then I have in a longgggg time and I am getting stronger and feeling fitter then I have been in years. Even if I was super toned and had no stretch marks and wasn't heavy, I will still have NLD which means I will still have ugly legs when I get to goal. I guess it is all about perspective. I have two healthy legs that I can use to walk, run, dance, skip and jump so I am thankful. At least I can basically hide it with pants, long skirts or tights. Retraining the brain right? Until next time...

P.S. All this mental work is exhausting! I am so tired...


  1. It may sound a little weird, but I view may saggy skin and stretch marks and cellulite as "battle scars"...and I sort of wear them proudly. When I look down and see all of that going on on my hips, and thighs, and legs when I'm wearing a bathing suit, I think, "Gosh darnit, I see all of this fleshy stuff hanging off me, but I AM WEARING A BATHING SUIT!" When I was obese, I didn't even want to go to the beach (which I love) because of my weight.

    I'd rather see and feel loose, saggy skin and see the deflated version of me ANY DAY than to re-experience the unbearable, tightly-stretched, uncomfortable, fatty, confined feeling in my old skin. Hands down.

    Self-love will carry you far in this journey...that's what I'm finding, anyway!

  2. Katie,
    You are so right in that you have to put your past behind you and move on. I still have a tough one with that lesson. It can be so hard to get over the anger at yourself for not doing something about your weight before. Add to that losing about 70 pounds before but then gaining it all back and then some.

    Sometimes I just can not believe how in the world I let that happen to me again. But you know what? That just makes me more determined this time to not gain any weight back. Everything in our past makes us who we are today and Katie, we are both pretty wonderful women!

    I think just about everyone has something that they are not proud of in their past. Nobody is perfect and everyone fights some kind of demon in their lifetime. Just celebrate the fact that you recognize what you have to do and that you are now winning the battle!

    Keep up the good work. Congrats on your loss this past week. You are doing this and will reach your goal before you know it.


  3. The reason I don't run for public office is because of all the darned skeletons in my closet. I really like the new links!

  4. The mental part of this is the hardest part. You are doing great digging deep within and sorting it out. We can't change the past so its best to visit it and let it go. I'm so proud of you Katie!

  5. It is so much a mental fight! It sounds like you are having some good insight and success is yours for the taking!

  6. We all have things in our past we are not proud of as the others have stated. You'r a very strong women and yes a lot of this journey is mental. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and peace. Keep up the good work we are here cheering you on!

  7. What you said about forgiving yourself for your past is really resonating with me today. I am struggling with much the same issues right now. Thanks for posting this. It's nice to know I'm not the ONLY one trying to get out from under a massive cloud of guilt.

  8. Stick with it and live in the the present. The past does not define you - it just helped you get here. Live in the now and keep an eye to the future!

    Be present in the present.

    I'm not trying to be cliche' but being aware of everything makes a huge difference!

    Stay focused.

  9. I agree that dealing with the past is crucial to moving forward.

    Making peace with ourselves is so darn important. You are doing such a fabulous job of it all!!!

    We all have things we don't like about ourselves. For me, it's my stomach. I will probably have to get surgery to remove the hanging skin. :( The good news is, I think I can hide it with spanx as I get smaller! :)

    You are beautiful! (((HUGS))


  10. You are doing a great job Katie. Not only with your weight loss, but I love your blog changes too. You're working hard and doing a good job. But everyone makes mistakes and has times that they wish never happened in their life. Doesn't make me feel better, nor you probably.

    Just keep going. You're going to get there!

  11. You are doing a great job. Your post yesterday was very powerful.

    Glad you were able to get along with your mom last night. I often wonder what my relationship with my mother would have been like if she was still alive. She might just have driven me crazy as well.

    Thanks for the comment and backing me up on Modern Family last night. It really was a riot.

  12. Hi Katie. I'm not surprised you're tired mentally - you've been working through a lot of stuff recently!

    My skin will never be any good again. It's totally effed up all over. But age is a great leveller I think. I no longer get upset at not being able to wear barely there outfits. Or maybe I'm just used to it.

    And on the positive side my chances of getting skin cancer are vastly reduced!

    Bearfriend xx

  13. Wow Katie after reading your blog I hope you don't think I copied you-mine has a similar thread-weird-haha-great minds really do think alike-thanks for the photo suggestion I will have to get Cole to take a pic this weekend :)

  14. Hi, Katie! Sorry I missed your last post, but I went back and read it before I read this one.

    What great reasons to be on this journey--and what great results you're having in so many areas. I can certainly relate to most of what you've written.

    Health was a big reason I decided to give weight los another try. Health and I knew that I needed to be free and rediscover joy. Free from so many things...

    I've traveled down the Highway to Thin slowly to be sure, but I have reduced my insulin need significantly and my blood pressure meds, too.

    I, too, have had the fears that surround the question, "Have I waited too long--Is it too late?" and the regrets of time lost. But as you said, we can make the most of NOW.

    As far as the other regrets & forgiving yourself. I don't know where you are with what I'm about to say, but it's been life to me toknow that Jesus has already paid the price for those mistakes. He has already purchased your forgiveness. He has already done what is necessary for you to be free of that past.

    Jesus saved my life--I would not be here or doing this without His intervention on my behalf.

    I can see your life unfolding--it's becoming a beautiful thing. You have great courage.


  15. I could not agree with you more that you just have to say goodbye to the past and only look forward. Sorry it was tense with your Mom :(

  16. Katie, The level of your posting and obviously your whole process has deepened significantly since I started reading you 11 months ago. You are really confronting old hurts, pains and issues that have been bottled up for years. That's the real work of this journey, I believe. The very hardest's truly a head game that greatly benefits our hearts and souls if we can do the work, as well as our physical selves. You're on the road to success.

  17. I do a bottle cap wisdom of the night thing on my blog and this applies here:

    Good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees. - Douglas Malloch

    From a bottle of Honest Tea Lori's Lemon tea.

    I believe it 100%.

  18. Blogs aside, we do this, each one of us, for ourselves.
    With just a wee little bit o' help from our friends!

  19. Forgiving ourselves for our past is so hard, but so necessary for positive growth. Hugs to you - I know all too well how hard it is.

  20. What another great post. It is hard when the past haunts us everyday. It is time to move on!!! Glad you got to have dinner with your mother but sorry it was tense. Hopefully it will get better.

  21. Amazing post and true, IMO, in all realms of life.
    Until we can make peace with the past and embrace it feel it and recognize it we cant move beyond.

    OR, as Ive seen so often, we CAN move beyond but we are destined to eventually repeat the past.

    Wishing you a great weekend,



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