Dave and I had a spiff last night and it was pretty upsetting. I am honestly at a crossroads with our relationship but I don't quite know where to go from here. I love him dearly but I just don't see us being together the rest of our lives. We have been together for almost 5 years which is the longest relationship I have ever been in. There are some major deal breakers on the table though. One of the major issues I have is his drinking. He is an Alcoholic and he is not doing anything to stay sober. Last night he had had a cocktail at the bar and some wine prior to the spiff. Well, while I was getting an FF Ice cream bar out of the freezer I found a bottle of whiskey. I took it out of the freezer and put it in one of the cupboards. I understand his addiction but I also know that he has the tools and resources to stay sober and it is HIS choice to continue drinking. I am enabling him by "tolerating" his behavior and allowing him to have booze in the apt.
My day started with spilling my entire Venti Sugar free Vanilla Latte on my desk. It splashed on my pants, got in my shoes and all over the desk and floor. Grrrrr...
Not sure what I am going to do tonight. It is going to be close to 100 degrees today so I will be trying to stay cool. Dave has a meeting so I will be on my own for dinner. Weigh in is tomorrow so I am hoping for a loss. I did peek at the scale and it is down but I will lock in the official weight tomorrow. Until next time...
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'll pray that you can sort it all out. hang in there. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to love the addicted without enabling them. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting or considered going to one? It might help you to figure out what to do about this situation.
ReplyDeleteI love rotisserie chickens! One of my favorite leftovers is to make a chunky chicken salad with craisins and walnuts to put over butter lettuce. YUM.
Oh dear. That's tough. Whenever I'm trying to figure out if a relationship's worth salvaging, here's how I go about it:
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, determine if the relationship makes you more happy than sad. Don't look at potential long term things here, just look at how it currently impacts your happiness. If the relationship causes more stress than it brings you laughs and joy, it's time to end it.
If your relationship with Dave passes the first test, next go on to the opportunity cost. With a friend, the opportunity cost is generally just if you could get more happiness by devoting your time and energy elsewhere. In a relationship, you're also passing up the possibility of dating someone else. There can also be other considerations here, for example if you were in your early thirties and wanted to have a baby, a relationship that's not going anywhere is more costly because you're also racing your biological clock. Similarly, if you're not pursuing career opportunities to be near to the person, that should be counted here.
After looking at those two things, I go to a gut check. Even if someone seems to make sense, they can still be a bad idea.
As far as the alcoholism: you can't fix it for him. If he wants to change, he has to be the one who decides to change. Just from the post above, it's not clear how bad it is and how much it's impacting you. If his drinking is a major burden on you (or it's destroying his own life, which will end with him being a burden on you), I'd say get out and don't look back.
Why isn't the heat just melting the fat away? I don't get it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't envy the booze situation or the fighting. It's enough to push you back to your own addictions.
grrrrrh
Sorry things are rough with Dave - it's not easy living with an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteYour dinner sounds lovely, Dave's behaviour NOT.
ReplyDeleteOnly you can make the decision to either stay with him and put up with living with an Alcoholic or leaving him. Your choice entirely.
If the love is there I suppose it is a hard decision to make.
{{{HUGS}}}
What a difficult decision. *hugs* I know you'll make the right one, just listen to your heart.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough decision, you certainly don't want to enable him.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Any deficit at all is good. especially after starting the day with coffee in your shoes and ending it with a fight.
ReplyDeleteI too was faced with leaving an addict (pot) that I loved dearly after my longest (5 years) relationship. It was rough. But once I bit the bullet and told him I was moving it got better everyday for me. I met my husband less than a year later.
The funny thing was that a song inspired me to do it. The first time I heard the song "Evenflo" by Pearl Jam, I loved it. I couldn't understand a word of it (who could?) but it got me super pumped up and it literally made me feel alive in a way I'd forgotten I could.
I don't know what your Evenflo will be, but I hope you find it soon. Be on the lookout *hugs*
Unfortunately, until Dave is ready to quit, he won't, now matter what ultimatums you give him. Sorry you are going through this!
ReplyDeleteAnd your spilled coffee reminds me one time when I heated up a ramen noodle bowl - got almost to my desk when I tripped and it went everywhere! I was cleaning up noodles for 45 minutes!
Hugs!
So sorry to hear about you and Dave. Hope you are able to work something out that is amenable to you both. Addictions are like having other people in your bedroom I think. I also think they act like magnifying glasses. Anyway, hope you are ok.
ReplyDeletePolar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
Checking on your lovely blog, you lovely girl - and I was sad to see things weren't so lovely in Katie-J land. But you are always lovely :)
ReplyDeleteAs for your boy and his addiction - that's poopoo! But to be honest, with or without that - you said that you don't see you being together forever - so no matter what his problem is - the fact that you feel that way, seems to me that you can just end it now... you don't want to be too busy or occupied to notice when the man for you walks into your life ;)
I know it's easier said than done. So I will just wish for you, love and respect for yourself, and I wish for him the same that he could find that and the potential he has and the gift that life is.
Take care, Sista!
Sounds like it was a rough Tuesday. I am not sure my husband is an alcoholic but sometimes I feel like it. He can't go a day without some kind of drink and on the weekends he refuses to drive so he can drink. In fact he rolls out of bed to a drink. Sounds like one to me but he says he isn't. What do u think?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you've got my email if you want to visit more about it.
ReplyDeleteLike Roxy you have my email and I am here for you sorry for your trouble with Dave. Been there done that with my hubby but mine got sober and has been for 8 years now. Also, his not drinking won't solve all the problems in the relationship sorry to say....
ReplyDeleteHope today Wednesday is better for you.
Sorry you're having a rough patch. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteNot a good way to start the day! dagnang hate when things like that happen at the beginning of the day. For me, blackcurrant juice, splashed all up the wall, the ceiling, the cupboards, my feet! gaah.
ReplyDeleteHope it gets better Katie-big decisions suck, especially the longer you wait :(
ReplyDelete