Saturday, December 11, 2010

Inside My Head

I have been inside my head a lot lately which can be a dangerous place LOL! Seriously though, I have been reflecting on all that has happened on this journey and I am pleased but upset with myself too.

I am really happy that:
  • I lost 60 lbs (+/-)
  • I have lost 29” total
  • My blood sugars are normal
  • My blood pressure is normal
  • My cholesterol is close to normal
  • I am getting of medications that I have been on for years
  • I have gone from a 30/32 (4X) to 22/24 (2X)
  • I have smaller feet now
  • I have increased my lean muscle mass (which helps speed up metabolism)
Now that I have written it out, it is a pretty decent list but by the same token I am disappointed. I have been dancing around the same 5 pounds for a year! In that year I have moved twice, found my biological family members and came really close to ending things with Dave after 5 years. Pretty life altering occurrences but shit life happens and I thankfully have been able to process these changes mentally without going to food to cope so that’s major progress I suppose.

In my many past attempts at losing weight, I never worked through the “mental” reasons why I was morbidly obese so I imagine that is why it never “stuck” but this time I am determined to make this a permanent change. Part of the permanent change is deleting the negative track that plays over and over in my head. I feel like I am making headway with that. I still have those thoughts but now I identify that I am being negative and try to change my train of thought. It is humiliating to me that my life was so out of control and not just with food.  I need to remember that it is futile to worry about the past. As long as I am moving forward making changes and tweaks then that is progress (not perfection) That too has been a hard lesson to learn. Nothing and nobody is perfect so as long as you make progress that is a positive.

I think the key for me to get back to business and losing is to increase my activities. I need to keep track by using my bodybugg daily. As I mentioned Thursday, I reset it for a more achievable loss rate.  I need to drink more water regularly. I know what to do and what will make me successful with this WL endeavor, it is a matter of not talking about it and just getting out there and doing it! Until next time...


  1. I could have written a lot of that post, my friend. I totally get where you are coming from. That old mental struggle has been kicking my ass, recently. I think, with a lot of introspection and some very insightful comments from my bloggy buddies, I am working a lot of it out and am getting my choo-choo firmly back on track.

    It sounds to me as if you are making good progress in untangling this present mental knot and are ready to get back on your track.

    I am feeling ya, girl. And I am firmly here, standing with you. Hang tough. You can do this. <3

  2. Have you thought about finding a TOPS chapter for support? It really helps me :) Just a suggestion. Have a great day!

  3. What a list of amazing successes! Nothing to sniff at. You have made some increadible changes here that are life altering. Imagine moving twice in a year WITH that extra weight and the meds and the high blood pressure.

    Perhaps what you need is a new plan? As they say, failing to plan, is planning to fail. I think its GOAL time! :D

    You can do it!

  4. I believe you're going to get this thing done, this time! Deb

  5. Those are some really great accomplishments! And this has been a trying year for you. Hold your head up and keep positive! This journey is never easy.

  6. I am so proud of your journey. Congrats on the insight and the commitment to figure it all out in the inside too.

    The new WW program has been a big help on teaching me to rethink my relationship with food. Eating healthy is for the first time in 1.5 years on WW, finally seeming like a something I can do forever. I am filled with hope and determination. Rub up against me and get yourself some. ;)

  7. Super accomplishments! You must be really pleased to be off the meds. The work you do in your head takes time. Be easy on yourself.

  8. You have had some major accomplishments with a lot going on so don't be too hard on yourself. I think just resetting your goals and wearing your bodybug
    should be a great start. You are a winner and you are going to make it. your list is wonderful by the way. be well and don't be too hard on yourself. hugs.

  9. Good reflections, my friend. It's great that you can give yourself both a pat on the back for everything that you've accomplished as well as a gentle kick in the pants for things still to get done. I'm really impressed that in what - the last month? - you've gone from wanting to go to the gym to actually GOING...that is such great progress!!! :)

  10. Great job and I am all about internals..not just erasing the tape but making a whole new one to fill the void was really key for me.
    Going from 'you are a fat slob" to nothing wasn't cutting it. Going from you are a fat slob to 'you are a capable and intelligent and active person who makes things happen not only fills the void, it moves me forward. Keep up all the good work.

  11. You are so much doing this!
    That is un-arguable!
    Good job, Katie!
    Busy year for you, too.
    But maybe don't give too much thought
    to all these random Crazy-Brain ideas...
    Remember - fight "The Crazy Brain!"
    You are doing so well, just keep on with the one foot in front of the other!


I'd love to know what's on your mind...