Thursday, August 27, 2015

Coming Clean

Holy Moley! It's hard to believe that it has been almost three months since I did a blog post! Honestly, it's been a rough 3 months. I actually gained 10 lbs. so I am at 249. I have been eating junk food and really not giving a crap about anything and it showed on the scale fo sho. It could have been worse and I am glad that I snapped out of it before it did.

I do suffer from depression and the added isolation of being here in AZ without much social interaction has fueled that. While I know I can handle tough things and things will get better, it was a rough go there for a bit. After awhile, I realized that no one is going to help me get out of this situation but ME. For me, one of the main issues is self worth. I need to remember that I matter and I am worth it. Soooooo.... I slowly but surely have been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get things accomplished.

I went to the dentist which I had put off for way too long and still have a few more appts. to go. I went to the eye doctor and got new glasses. I have made an appt. to see a therapist too. I also got a new PCP and I like him. He actually prescribed Topamax which is usually prescribed for migraines or epilepsy which I don't have but apparently it also helps with satiety or feeling full. I have only been taking it for a week so it will be interesting to see if it helps.

I started taking Zumba classes at the local gym and today I signed up for a ton of Personal Training. I need to be accountable and think it will really help. Her name is Jessica and I like her. She has been heavy in her lifetime so she knows the struggle. We will be meeting twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then I will fill in the other days with classes. Not only is it good physically, its good socially and people have been really nice.

I do plan on posting here more. When I was steadily losing, I was posting here so I would like to go back to doing that.

Until next time...


Friday, June 5, 2015

Don't Quit!

Don't Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup; 
And he learned too late when the night came down, 
How close he was to the golden crown. 

Success is failure turned inside out 
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt 
And you never can tell how close you are, 
It may be near when it seems so far; 
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit! 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

June Baby!

Holy crap its June already! Shheeesshhhh! Where did the time go.

Still hovering at 240. Stupid really, I know what I need to do.

I am going to be 49 years old on the 21st (Holy Shit!) I would like to at least be in Onderland by my 50th. That is a very attainable goal if I actually got off my ass. If I shot for the moon, I'd like to get to goal and then get skin removal surgery but we will see how it goes.

One thing I will say is I have been doing a lot of emotional work and it is downright draining. Healing from loss does take time and I am glad to be able to have the resources to help me. I know they would want me to be happy and not wallowing in sorrow.

Otherwise, things are getting better. I am almost finished unpacking boxes and I have actually had someone helping me so that makes a big difference.

Until next time...


Monday, April 27, 2015

Finally Went!

I finally went to the gym last Tuesday. I survived. I honestly was about to cry when I was checking in but I managed to keep my cool. I did 25 minutes on the treadmill. What I now need to do is have them show me the equipment and weight area. I am still considering doing Personal Training. My preference is someone who has had a weight struggle at one point in their lifetime. I feel like they can identify more with what your dealing with.

Counseling seems to be helping. The book The Grief Recovery Handbook is really helping. It's work but I think it is time well spent. Honestly, I think we need to incorporate this kind of coping tool in our youth's curriculum. There are all different types of loss and I think it would make such a difference if we knew some coping tools in advance. Divorce, Loss of job, broken friendships, its all grief.

My brother, his wife and their two Biewer Yorkshire Terriers are coming for a visit in two weeks. This is a sample pic of what they look like. They have more of a black and white coloring to them.

 Poor Bogey. It will only be for a few days but three dogs and one ditty is not fair.

Eating has been bad. I am hovering at 240. Today is a new day and a new opportunity for changed behavior.

Until next time...


Friday, April 10, 2015

239 and I'll be Fine

I have not been below 240 in at least 10 years. I am 239 which is teetering but I will take it! My eating has been only okay but I have increased my activity chasing after the little lunatic Sophie!  She is so fun and so cute but she is a puppy and I have to watch her every move. She is a sneaky little bugger.

One thing I decided to do to help heal from some of life's challenges I've faced the last few years (and prior) is to start counseling. Part of my issue is grief and it helps to have an ear that knows how to help cope with the losses. Loss of loved ones, career, friends, broken relationships - its all grieving. She recommended a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Frank Cherry.  The description is:

Newly updated and expanded to commemorate its twentieth anniversary—this classic resource helps people complete the grieving process and move toward recovery and happiness.
Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories as well as from others', the authors illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity. Based on a proven program, The Grief Recovery Handbook offers grievers the specific actions needed to move beyond loss. New material in this edition includes guidance for dealing with:

Loss of faith
Loss of career and financial issues
Loss of health
Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home

The older generations in my experience are of the "Buck up and Deal" camp but I don't think that is the healthiest way to deal with it. Loss is a part of life and wouldn't it be better if we had the tools to help us cope?

My dad passed away 16 years ago on Sunday, April 12th. I miss him dearly but I know that he is watching over me and wants to me lead a healthy and happy life.

Until next time...

Friday, March 27, 2015

240 and Chin Up

Hello my lovelies!!

I am down to 240 which I have not been this low in over a decade. It feels pretty good. Not that I am done by a long shot but it does give me hope that I can get this extra weight off once and for all. I attribute the loss to walking Sophie twice a day and chasing her bouncy butt all over the place. She got fixed two weeks ago and we are getting the stitches taken out today. Honestly, it did not slow her down at ALL.

I've been struggling a bit here in AZ. I know I made the right decision to move here but I guess I underestimated how hard it was going to be. Change is hard! But, change can be good and I just have to focus on the positives of which there are many. When I go back to work, I'm sure that will help. I do feel a little isolated but that will change with time.

Moving here also changed dynamics with friendships. I discovered that some relationships were stronger then others and they filtered themselves out. I learned that lesson when my parents passed. The true blues are there to help you heal and the others scatter when things get rough. I guess its all character building LOL! I just need to keep my chin up and forge ahead.

Until next time...


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Gym Junk

It has been since April 23, 2012 since I have been to a gym. The last time I went to a gym it was a pretty bad experience but I had no earthly idea it had been THAT long! I kept paying my $25 a month but never went. There aren't any 24 hour Fitness locations that are close to where I live so I finally cancelled my membership that started in 1997.

Thinking it would be a good idea and a good way to meet people would be to join another gym. I signed up for a year at Desert Fitness but have yet to go. It has been over a month since I signed up. What is really preventing me from going? I highly doubt I would have another bad experience. Maybe because there is no accountability. Lazy? Scared? What am I afraid of? I was thinking of doing personal training. It was effective before. Hmmm something to think about...

I eventually need to get back to work too. I am so grateful to have been able to take this time to heal but I need to pad my pocketbook again. Not sure what type of work I want to do. I would love to work part-time but I am not sure what is out there. Definitely need to start checking things out.

Until next time...


Sunday, March 15, 2015


One thing I think that has helped me make changes in my life is by embracing that Progress is the Goal and Perfection is unreasonable.

I am one of those people who want instant gratification. That too is unreasonable. Things take time and even though we may want something to happen right away its just not possible.

Since moving here to AZ, I have not really been able to park in my garage and yesterday we were able to get things more organized so I at least had room. The temperature here has already been in the upper 80s so a car sitting out in that temperature can be miserable. As a result of that project there are more boxes inside the house now. It is a little overwhelming but it's all about one box at a time.  I have even implemented the 15 Minute Method. I set a timer for 15 minutes and work on whatever project I'm doing. For whatever reason it seems to work for me. I figure I can do just about anything for 15 minutes.

Until next time...


Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Me and 243

Wow, I am actually here two days in a row. Shocker huh?

I got on the scale this morning. I was a little afraid since it had been a few weeks since I got on the scale. Well, I was pleased to see 243.  The last time I was 243 that I noted here in my blog was Oct. 2012. Yikes!  Anything that I lose from here on out will be new territory.

One of the benefits of having Sophie is walking her. I have been walking her at least twice a day. She seems to behave better if she she gets her walks in. She doesn't seem to be lacking in the energy dept that's for sure!

I am slowly but surely adjusting to life here in the AZ. I did not realize how hard leaving California was going to be emotionally. Like all things we lose or change we grieve for. I know in my heart that I made the right decision to move here but there is such comfort in familiarity! Change is hard!  I have been hard on myself and that is a pattern I am working on changing. I have a negative soundtrack that I need to ditch. Once I realize it's playing I try to change the tune. I have a lot to be proud of and grateful for so I am trying to focus on that.

Until next time...


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Hernia Hell

Happy March my friends. I hope life is treating you well.

Before I left California, I had a visit with my PCP and pointed out the fact that I thought I had an umbilical hernia. I knew what it was because we had a dog that had one and Bogey also had one when I found him. Ironic I say...

The only way to fix them is through surgery.  The unfortunate part is that I am a surgery risk. Going under the knife at this weight is an issue. Anesthesia being the biggest risk.  You can live with them for quite awhile without issue, however, the intestines can get strangled and cause big problems. At this point, it is mild in my case but I would like to get it taken care of sooner rather then later.

Another side effect of obesity.

Since I moved, I had to switch healthcare providers and I have not set up a new appt or a new PCP. Ughhh such a drag finding a new doctor. 


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

My New Friend

This is my new puppy Sophie! She is a 3 month old Yorkshire Terrier. She is a purebred and her grandfather was an award winning dog.

When I first got her (2/11/15) I did not know what to name her. I had first thought of Mitzie or Maddie. Well I happened to bring her to a store in the mall and told the young sales gal that I had not named her yet and she suggested Sophie. My grandmothers name was Sophie so 
thought it was perfect!

Bogey is being a good sport. He must think I am nutty (in his little kitty mind) First there was Otto and Cindy and then they left and now Sophie. Well, Sophie is not going anywhere but he has had to adjust to them and to the new house and I think he is doing pretty good.

I have been walking her twice a day but since she is still so little, we can't walk very far but I plan on lengthening her walks as she gets bigger. She is like a toddler and I have to follow her around everywhere. Then there is potty training. Whew!

Until next time...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015



 Is there anyone out there? I didn't realize it had actually been almost two months since I posted. Well I am still here and truly do plan on posting more. My biggest success was when I was posting here and having accountability. It helped keep my brain more organized even.

I am at 247 as of this morning. A pound less then October. At least it did not go up! Eating has been better lately but it was pretty sketchy when I first got to AZ. Not having things handy like knives and pots and pans was a contributing factor but I have most of it unpacked now.

I have mostly been just unpacking and getting the house set up the way I want. It has been fun but it is also a HUGE responsibility too to be doing this on my own. Character building!!!

Until next time...