Hiding Hidradenitis

**Contains medical issues/terms - Do not read if you are squeamish**

Have you ever heard of Hidradenitis Suppurativa? I had not heard the term until recently.  What is it you ask?

Hidradenitis suppurativa is a chronic, scarring disease process that occurs due to obstruction of hair follicles and secondary infection plua inflammation of certain sweat glands, particularly those under the arms or within the anal/genital  region. The disease is characterized by the development of recurrent, boil-like nodular lesions and deep pockets of infection that may eventually rupture through the skin.  Healing of affected areas is typically associated with progressive scarring (fibrosis). The specific underlying cause of hidradenitis suppurativa is unknown. They anticipate that there are 10s of 1,000s of people who have globally it but don't report it because they're embarassed because of it.

I have been suffering with this for about 20 years but never knew what it was called.  Seeing as I already have one rare skin disease, why not throw another one me! The difference with this one and the NLD is that the HS is easier to hide based on where it is located. In my 20s, I was diagnosed with PCOS and there is a higher likelihood if you have HS because of it.  Also obesity and smoking contribute to having it.

I am self conscious of sleeveless tops because my flabby upper arms but also the hidradenitis suppurativa. Even though I don't have any active sores currently, there is scarring and pitting. The other place I get them (and just got rid of one) is the groin area. It reoccurs in the same spots when they occur and I do have some scar tissue from it. Obviously, I can cover/hide it but I still know it is there plus if I were to get intimiate with someone I might have to explain it which would be mortifying to say the least. In the past if this situation came up I would feign a headache or something to avoid the intimacy because of it.

My objective in sharing this with you is that there are many side effects of obesity that you can't see and that if you have it, to be aware that there are many others who suffer from it to but don't talk about it. I have never shared it with a doctor since I have had it.  You guys are the first people I have ever told.  Now that I have put it out there, it takes some of the stigma away for me.  Fortunately with weight loss, the recoccurance of HS is lessened but it may still exist. So even when I get to goal, I will still have the NLD and the scars from HS but I will be healthier all around. Until next time...

Final Friday

Wohoo! I am thrilled beyond belief that it is Friday! It has been an emotional but character building week for sure. I really appreciate the feedback on yesterday's post. It made me realize how absurd that whole situation was and that I am glad I won't have to worry or deal with the "neighbors" anymore. I am ending the year knowing that I stood up for myself and what I believe in and that makes me proud of myself, not just about them but some others as well that I felt were taking advantage of my generosity.

I looked back in my blog and it looks like I have lost 12 lbs. this whole year. Not a stellar year on the weight loss front, that's for sure.  I did get on the scale this morning and I was 249 so the 2 lb. gain is going away. Whew! The biggest lessons I am walking away with from this year is knowing what it is going to be like (maintenance) for the rest of my life and that GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION. I may be totally dating myself but I feel like a weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!! Also, working on self-esteem and the mental aspects of WL is crucial for success.

Danielle gave me this frame since it screamed my name while she was shopping - LOL! I have the bare wall too from Dave removing his family pictures, etc.  I decided that I am going to put pictures in it but also I want to put some of my favorite quotes from Pinterest. I will show you when I am done. Feels good to have a crafty project to work on. I miss doing my crafts. Definitely will be doing much more next year.

Nothing exciting planned for the weekend. Dave needs a place to stay for the weekend so he'll be around. I want to put Christmas decorations away (with his help) and finish A Place of Yes which turned out to be an excellent book.  I will elaborate more once I finish. Hope you all have a safe and sane New Year's.  Happy 2012 everyone! Until next time...

Ranty Rambling

First off, I got on the scale this morning and I am 250 so I am up 2 lbs. They say the average American gains 7-10 lbs. during the holidays. I know in years past I did and then some but being a little bit mindful of what is going in my pie hole saved me the heartache. Hopefully, I will kick those 2 lbs. to the curb this week.

I finally scheduled an appt with Riley the Personal Trainer at 24 hour Fitness. I bought them at the end of August and just now am I able to use them due to the fall at the hospital and the sciatica. I will be meeting with him on January 10th. I am looking forward to having a plan to work on.

Yesterday, I called the County of San Mateo regarding Bruce's watch and personal effects and apparently they LOST them. He died on December 26, 2010 and I still have not received anything from them. The person I was working with left the department and apparently it was abruptly because they did not transfer his open cases to anyone. All I want is to have something tangible of his that says he existed. Does that make sense? I was upset when Katherine (my new contact) told me she could not find them and I actually cried. She was very apologetic and said she would do everything she could to find it. It upsets me that I have done my due diligence and that this is not resolved over a YEAR later. I will give her a little more time and then I will be contacting the District Attorney and possible the SF Examiner to get some action.

Last night, I went to my neighbors to get some of my belongings that they borrowed from me including two large reference books, 2 Wii Games and a Wii Remote Plus.  Needless to say it was a little awkward but I was glad I did it because of the value of the items.  They do owe me money ($40) but I am kissing that goodbye. At first I was a little hurt about this situation but in all honesty, I am better off. They are major drinkers and the wife actually slapped me across the face the other day and did not even recall she did it. I have not had anyone hit me since I was a freshman in high school!  Her teenage son actually stuck up for me and said that I did not do anything wrong and that maybe she should stop drinking so much. She has some health issues too and she is basically drinking herself into a grave and I feel sorry for the kids but it is no longer my issue to worry about. I wish them well and hope they make some changes in there life for the sake of the children. Lessons learned for sure. Until next time...

All Is Calm

I tried a new meal last night and it was a success! It was Tonkatsu which consists of thinly sliced pork chops and Panko bread crumbs. I do not fry my foods (I don't know how!) so I put them in the oven. It only took about 20-25 mins to get to 170 degrees. They were crunchy and flavorful and the Katsu sauce topped it perfectly. I would say that it tastes like a sweet barbecue sauce. I served it with spinach and it was a great meal.  Dave was apprehensive about it but he liked it.  I do miss cooking for him...

This is that stash of goodies that are hanging out in our break room. Since I work with Management, we get inundated by gifts from the teachers and Headmasters.  Honestly, they aren't even tempting me. When I eat candy, I feel like crap so it is not worth it to me. Although, if it were cookies or baked goods, it would be a different story but I am done eating excess goodies. 

It's been pretty darn quiet this week at work. The kids are out until the 3rd for winter break but we do not observe the same schedule as they do. The traffic has been really light too which is a nice treat.  Today my extended family is getting together and I will not be attending since I have to work.  My cousin picked my mom up and will take her there and back. It's the only time we get to see our San Diego peeps but there was no way I was going to ask for the time off in light of all the time I have missed over the last few months. I really would like to go to San Diego to see my friend Kari and my family but I need to save up for it. Until next time...

Christmas Passed

I hope you all had a nice holiday if you were celebrating anything. Mine was pretty low key for the most part. Dave stayed the weekend because his friend he's been staying with was out of town.  It was nice to have him there. We went to his family get-together on Christmas Eve and I indulged more then normal but did way better then what I used to do.

On Christmas day, my mom and I went to see We Bought A Zoo. It was a cute movie! Maggie Elizabeth Jones, the young actress that plays Rosie Mee, stole the show. She is just adorable! The entire theater was packed, not a seat in the house. Afterwards, we went to Coco's and they were busier then I have ever seen and we had to wait awhile. I had a bacon cheeseburger for dinner. Did not eat any fries because they were undercooked but it was just as well.

I had yesterday off so I slept in and worked on some projects around my apt. I tried the vinegar on my shower doors and holy cow did it work well!  (Karla recommended 2 parts vinegar and 1 part hot water in a spray bottle) The downside is definitely the smell but I lit candles and sprayed Febreeze and it went away eventually.

I did get on the scale this morning to assess the damages and I am up a few pounds but I am not too worried. I am back on it today and drinking lots of water and will be getting activities in this week as well so I am hopeful to at least have a maintain this week. Until next time...

Gotye- Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)

This is a new song that I have been listening too. He is Australian and I thought it was Sting at first.

Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

And I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

And you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody

(I used to know)

Somebody

(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

Carol of the Bells

Performed by Celtic Woman

Hark! how the bells

sweet silver bells

All seem to say

throw cares away.

Christmas is here

bringing good cheer

To young and old

meek and the bold

Ding, dong, ding, dong

that is their song,

With joyful ring

all caroling

One seems to hear

words of good cheer

From everywhere

filling the air

O, how they pound

raising the sound

Oer hill and dale

telling their tale

Gaily they ring

while people sing

Songs of good cheer

christmas is here!

Merry, merry, merry, merry christmas!

Merry, merry, merry, merry christmas!

On, on they send

on without end

Their joyful tone

to every home

Hark! how the bells

sweet silver bells

All seem to say

throw cares away.

Christmas is here

bringing good cheer

To young and old

meek and the bold

Ding, dong, ding, dong

that is their song

With joyful ring

all caroling.

One seems to hear

words of good cheer

From everywhere

filling the air

O, how they pound

raising the sound

Oer hill and dale

telling their tale

Gaily they ring

while people sing

Songs of good cheer

Christmas is here!

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas!

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas!

On, on they send

on without end

Their joyful tone

to every home.

On, on they send

on without end

Their joyful tone

to every home.

Winter Solstice

Happy first day of Winter! Winter officially started at 9:30 p.m. in California and 12:30 a.m. on the east coast.  Today is the shortest day of the year.

I got on the scale, since it is Thursday and low and behold the scale said 248. That is the lowest I have gotten on this weight loss adventure so anything after this is all new territory. I have been trying to avoid all the chocolate and goodies that have been hanging around and I guess my diligence paid off. Losing at Christmastime is a MAJOR bonus. Best. Gift. Ever.

This afternoon is our company luncheon at Maggiano's and I am wearing the blouse my mom bought for me. Here is a glimpse of what it looks like. I even put eye shadow on this morning which I almost never do but I had time. I channeled my friend Karla who is the eye makeup master and it came out nicely!  Maybe I can get someone to take a full picture but we'll see.

I had an interesting experience with this blouse. First of all, I have never worn satin (except for jammies) so that is a new feeling. I also had never ironed it and it needed it. My mom had a Rowenta steamer/iron that she had never used so I used that. I ironed it and then tried the steaming and it worked really well! Who knew... I so rarely iron anything but there are just certain items that it need it so I definitely will be using it again. Until next time...

Random Acts of Kindness

I did go to Danielle's as planned. She had some projects she needed help with so we worked on those and then went to Su's Mongolian for dinner. It is the type of place where you pick out all your ingredients and they cook it for you. It is always good because you get to make exactly how you like it.

Yesterday on the news I heard a story about a local man who went into a Kmart and paid off 63 layaway accounts to the tune of $10,000. He did not provide his name and just said he wanted to make everybody happy for Christmas. I think that is a wonderfull story. It was a grand gesture obviously but it has spurred others to do the same here in the Bay Area. There are so many families/people that are struggling at this time of year and the commercialism of the holiday has not made it any easier. Yesterday there was a guy at the store where I stopped and he had run out of gas. He did not ask me for money but I could tell he needed it so I handed him $5 and said Merry Christmas. We all can do one little gesture of random kindness and it doesn't even need to be monetary.

I did have a recent situation where my kindness was misconstrued and it was very hurtful. I had no ulterior motives or ill intent but it was perceived that way. It was very strange as no one has reacted to me that way before. It has been resolved now but I am hesitant to do anything for them in the future. My motto is accept graciously and say thank you. Until next time...

Water and Walls

Had a normal day yesterday. I went to my neighbors and hung out most of the evening. I had a few bites of chicken and rice but that was about it for dinner. I need to get better about preparing dinners. Breakfast and lunch are not a problem most of the time.

I have mentioned a number of times how hard the water is where I live. It leaves horrible calcium deposits on the glass shower doors. I have tried almost every product under the sun to get rid of it. Recently, the magic eraser seemed to help but my girlfriend, Karla, suggested using vinegar. She manages multiple properties here in the area so she would know! I have not tried it yet but I will definitely let you know. I have used it in coffee pots so it totally makes sense to me. I googled and found this website which has 131 uses for vinegar which also suggested it.

Since Dave moved out, I had a wall that was empty from where his family pictures were. Over the weekend, I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got some pictures to fill the space. All my decor is beachy so in keeping with that theme, these are what I picked. I put them on each side of the bed above the nightstands. The ones that were there will move to the other wall.

Tonight I may go over to Danielle's and help her with some projects and she offered to make dinner. We'll see how the day goes if she is still up for it. Until next time...

500 Followers!

Hope you all had a nice weekend! Mine was pretty darn good. I did not go to Karaoke on Friday. I have been sneezing up a storm and my throat was sore too so I just stayed home and took it easy. Saturday, I went shopping with my mom for a blouse to wear to our lunch on Thursday for work. We went to The Fat Ladies Store The Avenue. Everything in the store was 40% off so the blouse and necklace were $35.00 total. Can't beat that huh? Here is a sneak peek. It needs to be pressed so I will have to dust off my iron lol! We had a nice visit and it was one of the first times that it was just us two in quite awhile.

Eating was sparse but okay. Yesterday, I ate salads for lunch and dinner and had some chili as well. I went to the grocery store and stocked up as well. One thing I decided to do was to get a Brita Pitcher. I am tired of shleping cases of water to and fro and having all those bottles stacking up. I also got the Brita Bottle. You can use any tap water and the filter is built right into the lid. In the long run, I think it will save money too because I won't be buying single bottles as much either.

Holy Shamoly! 500 followers! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine having my blog read by anyone else, let alone 500 people! Blows my mind! I am truly honored, flattered, humbled and touched to have you all along for the ride. If sharing my trials and tribulations (and successes!) helps just one person then I feel like it is worth ALL the effort. 

I have a giveaway planned to commemorate my reaching 500 followers so stay tuned for that. Until next time...

Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are none to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox ~

Katie and Karaoke

Had a great day yesterday. I got off of work and went to get my haircut as planned.  I have determined that it is hard to take self portraits of hair-dos, especially since when mine is short. Luc, my hairdresser, commented on the thickness and lushness of my hair. I told him that I was taking Biotin and using the Redken Intraforce products and he said he totally noticed the difference! When I was checking out, the receptionist, Adam, said I had a cute, tiny face. I could have kissed him! Tiny is not an adjective that gets used when describing anything about me but I was very flattered.

After dinner, I met up with Danielle at La Paloma. It was her birthday on Wednesday We both had our usual and we had a nice visit. Neither one of us had a cocktail which is unusual. They have the bomb mango margaritas...

Once upon a time, I used to do Karaoke every weekend. I think its been at least 2 years since I have gone and done it. It was a lot of fun and I was actually pretty good at it based on the feedback that I would get from the audience. On more then one occasion, someone has said that they thought they were listening to the jukebox, not me singing. Quite a compliment huh!  I like to sing Alanis Morrisette, Bonnie Raitt, Natalie Merchant and Natalie Imbruglia just to name a few. Well on Friday and Saturday nights, Blinky's has Karaoke and Danielle is working so I told her that I would come down tonight and sing a song or two. I am rusty but I am sure it will come back to me.

Tomorrow I am going shopping with my mom for my Christmas gift. I have a holiday luncheon for work next week and she is going to buy my blouse/sweater for that.  It is kind of a tradition. I also have a banquet that I attend in June and so she buys my blouse for that occasion as well since my birthday is in June. Otherwise, getting organized and exercising are on the agenda for the rest of the weekend. Until next time...

Fitbit and Fined

Nothing eventful to report for yesterday. I had a ham sandwich for dinner. I still have not cooked anything since Dave has been gone. It is so much easier if you have someone to cook for! I do have a dinner planned for next week with a friend. He requested pork chops, mashed potatoes and applesauce so that is what I will be making. I will be using cutlets and will use Panko breadcrumbs which always makes the meat yummy and crunchy.

I finally have my Fitbit back on today. Seems like forever since I have worn it. I have found that I am most successful when I am tracking and I am motivated to do more with the activity goals they set up in the Fitbit program.  This is a chart for my average weight while using the Fitbit. This has not been a stellar year for weight loss BUT a good year for maintaining. Obviously, I do not want to maintain my current weight but I think the key for me has been to keep track of my weight even though I am not losing. I know if I am up a few pounds it is time to get more active or eat less.  Being in denial is what got me up to 315 lbs. so I am want to avoid ever ever going back to that weight again. I am at 249 today which is the same as last week.

For those of you who did not know, I was adopted and I located my biological father in October of 2010. I met him the day I learned where he was and unfortunately that was the only time I ever saw him. I wrote and sent pictures etc. but due to an incident on December 23rd, he died on December 26, 2010.  We interned him on February 23, 2011. I was told at that time that they would send me some of his personal belongings, which included a wristwatch. To date, I have not received anything. I just want a personal memento of his to say that he existed on this planet you know what I mean?  I followed up with the DA's office and there were staff changes so the person I was working with is no longer there. I made contact with another gal, Katherine, who is working on it with me now. In making some phone calls, I did find out that the Burlingame Long Term Care Facility was fined and cited for negligence in his death. Of course, they are contesting it but if it can save someone from getting hurt or dying in the future then it is a good thing. It could take months or even years to get resolution in the case. Until next time...

Hair and Underwear

I am a complete dork! I totally thought my hair appt. was yesterday but it is actually tomorrow. The good news is I figured it out before I drove down there. That would have been really embarrasing! I did have sushi for dinner though :-)

Since I am going to be getting my hair cut, I thought I would color it ahead of time so I did it this morning before work. I was up early and it was really easy. Usually it is a major project to color my hair but this stuff makes it a breeze. It turns into a mousse (foam) so that you can apply it easily, like shampoo and it actually spreads so that it provides full coverage especially on the gray. You just leave it on for 30 mins and voila! There are 12 different shades to choose from. It retails for $9.99 USD. In the winter, I tend to go a little darker so I used Pure Light Brown (60)

I just got a ten pack of underwear yesterday at Target. 5 pairs were fun colors and patterns and the other 5 were white. When I was at my heaviest, I was just glad to be able to find chonies that fit but now that I have lost weight there are more options. My bras actually coordinate with my panties (even though no one gets to see them) and it makes me feel good. As we lose weight, it is hard to keep buying new clothes but do yourself a favor and get bras and panties that fit. It is an inexpensive way to make yourself feel good. How can you feel good if you got saggy britches right? Until next time...

Sharing and Caring

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Today is officially the 1st day of Christmas. I am trying not to be too bahumbug - I did decorate and send a few cards to be in the spirit. Not going to bake or buy any big gifts so there is no pressure there so that is good. My mom just wants cards so I always get her more then one... one mushy gushy one and a funny one as well.

We had a really nice visit yesterday. I went over to her house after work and instead of going out to dinner, I asked if we could just talk. I knew it would be emotional so I did not want to cry and spew emotion in public. When we talk she usually sits in a chair across from me but this time she sat on the couch. She admitted her vision is so poor that she could barely see me a few feet away. We talked about me moving home with her and I am just not ready to do that... of course if she needed me to I would but I have just barely tasted my indepenence again and don't want to lose that. I asked her about her wanting to stay at home and the thought of moving and selling the house is just too overwhelming for her. It would be her and me trying to sell it since my brother is in Colorado. He would help as much as he could but it is not the same as him being here.

I have been hesitant to share too much on my blog but to me it makes it all worthwhile when you get comments like this from Leigh C at Poonpalooza: I'm a new reader and you are inspiring:) I love how you have taken control of your life. Keep up the good work girl! If I can save someone some heartache or keep them from making some of the mistakes I have made then to me it all worthwhile. Thank you for saying something Leigh, it made my day.

Eating has been hit and miss. I have been low on calories but I just don't have an appetite. I am not complaining but I need to get proper nourishment too. I am getting my haircut tonight so I won't have time to cook anything. I am craving sushi so I will most likely go after I am done at the salon. Until next time...

Cleaning House

I hope you all had a nice weekend. Mine was pretty productive and in more ways then one. Saturday morning I got in a big fight with HG and told him I was done being taken advantage of and that I have done nothing but help him so that bridge is burned as far as I am concerned. You can try and help someone until you are blue in the face but if they are not ready to change, then it is basically a waste of time... lesson learned.

Once I had the apt. to myself I was in heaven. I was cleaning and organizing and purging, hooray! Spent most of the day doing that and then I started to get ready for the Blinky's Christmas party. I got there about 5:30ish and was done and home in bed by 10:00 <--- I am a fuddy duddy! I ate dinner there which was tri-tip salad and a roll. I did not imbibe in alcohol either, which is probably why I didn't stay longer.

Here is a picture I took of myself. I felt good and I got lots of compliments too which always makes a gal feel special. 

I recently got a 4" feather bed that goes on top of the mattress. It is absolutely divine to sleep on it. It feels like you are floating on a cloud. Yesterday was the 1st time that I had to make it by myself. I thought it would be rather difficult but it worked out just fine. Between the flannel sheets and the feather bed, it is amazingly cozy! Here is a picture of it made and then also with my Northern Exposure Moose. Do any of you remember Northern Exposure from the 1990s?

I did not do any formal exercise but did a lot of moving around between doing laundry and moving furniture etc. so I am actually a little sore this morning but in a good way. Speaking of exercise, I still need to utilize the Personal Training sessions that I bought in August. I haven't used them because I fell at the hospital and then had the sciatica so this is the first real opportunity to use them. I will call today to make an appt.

This is just a random picture from yesterday. I have been thinking about walking in the mornings because I am up early so I got this hat to help keep my ears warm.  I wanted to see what I looked like with it on (not that I really care at 5:00 a.m.) but as long as it keeps me warm. Until next time...

Not In Vain

Not in Vain

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain:

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his Nest again

I shall not live in vain.

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Dar Williams - The Christians and The Pagans

Amber called her uncle, said "We're up here for the holiday,
Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay."
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three.
He told his niece, "It's Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style,"
She said, "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and its been awhile,"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said,
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses.

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch,
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, "Is it true that you're a witch?"
His mom jumped up and said, "The pies are burning," and she hit the kitchen,
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, "It's true, your cousin's not a Christian,"
"But we love trees, we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share,
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere."

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And where does magic come from? I think magic's in the learning,
'Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning.

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her aunt said, "Really, no, don't bother."
Amber's uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and like her father.
He thought about his brother, how they hadn't spoken in a year,
He thought he'd call him up and say, "It's Christmas and your daughter's here."
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve, saying,
"Can I be a Pagan?" Dad said, "We'll discuss it when they leave."

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold.

Freezing Friday

I am very happy it is Friday! The week actually went by fast since I came back to work on Tuesday.  It does feel good to be back at work. When I was laid up with the pinched nerve I had a lot of time to think. Too much time really. One of the lines in Desiderata (poem) says: Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I totally agree! Now that I am back in the swing more it is helping distract me and I don't feel so anxious.  Even though I am still sad about Dave being gone there is also part of me that is glad I am alone. I need to stand up tall and proud ON MY OWN!

The temps have been below freezing at night this last week and there have been frost warnings and Spare The Air days all week. Long time readers may remember HG, who is a friend of ours that is homeless. Well, he is working now but still does not have a place to live and sleeps in his car. Sucker Katie, felt bad for him and let him stay at my apt. this week. He is going to pay me $100. The thing is, his back is hurting (sciatica) and he has been sleeping in my bed instead of on the futon. It freaked me out so much the other night, I had a panic attack. I told him and he said he would sleep on the floor but then I got weak and let him back on the bed at the last minute. I am going to tell him tonight that I can't do it anymore.

Then, this morning, when I went out to the carport, another acquaintance of ours was sitting in front of my car and he was hitting me up for money!!! WTH!!! I told him that I resented he was there, that he had NO IDEA what has been going on with me and how screwed up it is that we have not seen him in 6 months and then the first time I see him he hits me up for money. I gave him the $3 I had in my purse and told him to leave and not come back.  I am a compassionate person and like to share but come on! I think they know if they give me their sob story I will fall for it. I feel like I am a beacon for the troubled souls. I made a big step with having Dave move and want to proceed with my life without the freeloaders!

On a more positive note, when I was getting dressed this morning, I was able to find and fit into a blouse that I forgot I had and it looks fantastic. That was the highlight of my morning! I think I got it at Nordstrom Rack last year some time. I have been having fun putting different outfits together and accessorizing.

Nothing too exciting planned for the weekend. I want to watch The Help which I got on Amazon.  I need to get some exercise and will most likely Wii or swim.  I need to see my mom at some point too. Until next time...

Bonus and Better Days

My impulse buy #4,297 was this Foxy necklace. I saw it on a blog (Lucy's?) and was immediately enamored with it. It was $30 USD which I thought was fairly reasonable.  I got it in the mail and loved it as much as I thought I would. Well, yesterday, I looked it up online again just to see the dimensions and it says its reversible! Doh!! So I am wearing it today with the silver and black side. Gotta love a twofer eh?

I got on the scale this morning and I am 249! I know it is because I have not been eating much but hey I will take it. That means I lost 3 lbs this week which is pretty unusual. That also means I have double digits to lose instead of triple. I am also encouraged to be in the 240s again. The lowest I have been on this journey is 248 so after that it will be all new territory. Total so far: 66 lbs.

Better days are coming. My mom always says that and I am slowly able to focus on my future and I really do have SO much to be grateful for. When you are going through a rough time, it is hard to remember that things work out and that you will survive and this too shall pass. I am not terribly excited about the holidays but focusing on friends and family will be my goal this season. I have everything I need so I am not looking for any special gifts. Just spending time with people that I care about is all that matters to me. I still need to figure out something for my mom and I to do on Christmas Eve or Christmas. I suggested we see A Christmas Carol in SF but she was not too hip on it... Maybe we an go see a movie or something... Until next time...



P.S. TOM came to see me today and I am still happy <--- still lost weight!

Grief and Going

When we think of grief, it usually relates to someone who has died but it can also happen when something catastrophic happens in your life like a divorce, end of a relationship, infertility or a tragedy/disaster. Each person deals with their grief differently and there is no timeline for how long one grieves. The 5 stages (DABDA) are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The important thing, in my opinion, is that you allow yourself to process the pain. Suppressing your emotions or being in denial for too long can be harmful to your mental and physical health. Someone told me one time, you have to feel to heal which I totally agree. During my weight loss journey, I have soul searched and come to terms with a lot of the issues that caused my morbid obesity but I had to feel all the pain (who wants to do that right?) but I think it is an integral part of making life altering or lifestyle changes. I believe that is part of my mothers issue is that she is not an emotional person and purposely avoids thinking about what she is facing. She is losing her vision rapidly, she lost her ability to drive and she ended up in the hospital for a month or two. Who wouldn't be depressed about that??? The point is though is she never grieved for the changes that were happening and it snowballed and here we are now...

I am feeling better today. I still did not get much in my belly and ate a cheese sandwich for dinner. I haven't cooked since last week and that needs to change. It stinks cooking for one person. Ugh!! The good news for the day is that my dress pants are looser then they ever have been so I am feeling pretty good about that.  Tonight, I am going to my mom's (MUST NOT BAIL!) to help her figure out a bill. I am not up for going out to dinner or anything. Until next time...

Hanging In

Thanks for all your hugs and comments the last few days. I am back at work today after being off for a month. It was an anxiety ridden morning. I was on the verge of vomiting until I got here and I have no appetite whatsoever. I do an insulin shot in the morning so I have to eat even when I would rather not. I was able to choke down some string cheese and a bite of a Nutrigrain bar. I was not able to drink coffee either which is very unusual for me. I had tea because otherwise I would have a skull crushing headache by noon.

It was an emotionally up and down weekend. I know in my heart I made the right decision in the long run but somehow I did not prepare myself for the aftermath. I did a lot of cleaning and purging and “Katiefied” my apt. I threw out rugs and other misc. items and actually did a little holiday decorating. Not that I am feeling terribly festive but I thought it might help my mood.

My mom is having a hard time too. She went to the neurologist and he attributed her memory issues to depression. I think it is finally sinking in that it was not the stroke and it is the depression. What chaps my hide is that I knew this from the get and even told the admitting doctor back in September that I wanted to admit her for psych. Here we are 3 months later… She keeps saying “I don’t remember” because it is easier then for her to try to think. She used to do emails and answer the phone and now her caregiver is answering the phone and she has not been on email in a month.

My fear after all is said and done, that I will have to move back home. I was extremely unhappy when I was there before (2003) but I may need to do it for her or for financial reasons. The alternative is for her to move into a care facility and we sell the house which is heartbreaking to me too so it remains to be seen. The company charges $24/hr for her caregiver and it adds up quickly… it is great for the short term and we really like Patty but is uber expensive.

I got on the scale this morning and it was 252. I have been in the upper 250s over the last few weeks so it was nice to see a decent number. Now that I am basically healed, I can resume activities which will help get the scale moving in the right direction. Until next time…

See You Later...

Dave is moving out today. We would have been together 7 years on the 31st. I did everything I could to make it work (and then some) so I know in my heart I am making the right decision but it's still painful. I wish him well and we will be in touch since he will be using my address for the time being while he transitions to a new place. It is a bittersweet day for sure. Until next time...